"It is 8:20am on a Thursday morning and I am sitting in a shelter, alone, watching the rain turn the ground into a patchwork of muddy puddles. All of my belongings are strewn haphazardly around the shelter, reminiscent of my college dorm. I have 1/2 a jar of peanut butter, 12 ounces of water, 4 packets of instant coffee, and 1 pound of dog food. 7 miles away waits a package full of food and supplies to fuel the next leg of my journey.
7 miles. At this point that distance should not faze me. I've hiked 115 miles over the past 5 days, averaging 23 miles per day. One day I managed to hike 22 miles before 2pm. I'm fast, strong, and very capable of hiking 7 miles.
But today 7 miles is feeling like an impossible distance. Instead of waking up early and getting on the trail by 6:30am, I've procrastinated and avoided reality. My mind is telling me I can't hike 7 miles and that there is no point in even trying. "Just stay in bed, give up," says my mind.
If I had woken up in this state back in the "real" world, I would have done just that. I would call in sick to work, crawl back in to bed, avoid Roxy's attempts to get me functioning, and just shut down.
Depression is scary. People who haven't experienced it often try to offer advice or make comments that make it clear they have no understanding of the realities of depression. I've had people make comments to me along the lines of "why are you sad? You're always posting about how perfect your life is." That really emphasizes the scariest part of what's happening. I know I have nothing to be sad about, but I'm fighting an internal battle with myself to convince my mind of what I know is true. Depression is not just sadness, it is an all encompassing dread and fear. I'm completely overwhelmed with a crushing weight that makes even the simplest tasks seem completely in achievable.
Back home, this depression easily overtook me. Staying in bed for days at a time was a plausible choice, but now my options are limited.
If I don't leave this shelter soon, I am going to starve. I don't have a kitchen full of food waiting a few steps away. I can't just put life on hold and let this depression keep me here.
It is 9:10am. The rain is still coming down, my belongings are still disorganized, and more food has not magically materialized, but it is time to start piecing things together. The everyday tasks that are usually completed easily will feel monumental today. 7 miles. With each step I take, I hope to push my demons further away, and get my mind back to a better place."
Just as a follow up to this journal entry, this was the day I had to hike to Woodshole Hostel in Pearisburg, VA. I ended up pulling myself together and getting there by early afternoon. When I got there I had care packages from 3 fantastic people waiting for me. I know it might not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but even these small acts of kindness mean the world to me. Life is easier when you know you aren't facing the world alone. This was my first and only flare up of depression on the trail. Even on the rainiest days, I am happy to be out here and thankful to have the opportunity to do what I love.
Woodshole was a great place to arrive when I needed my mind set straight.
This is the EXACT type of place I dream of owning.... basic, simple life! I am so proud of you for living your dream! Danielle
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