Marathon Thoughts

I finished. Just about the only positive thing I can say about myself for this race.

26.2 Miles. 

Joy, pain, disappointment, embarrassment and finally acceptance. I started the race full of excitement and anticipation. This was my second marathon, and my first one at Disney went great. I had been running a lot before the Disney Marathon and the rush of running my first marathon at the happiest place on Earth carried me through the race. Unfortunately, I really didn’t train for the Kentucky Derby Marathon much at all. There really is no excuse for being a failure, and I brought it upon myself. I’ve been focusing more on backpacking and prepping for my Appalachian Trail thru-hike rather than taking time to complete long runs. I’ve never been a real athlete and I figured I’m in-shape so a second marathon should be no problem. Turns out the muscles used for hiking are definitely not the same as the muscles used for running. 

Although the marathon did not go as I planned, it definitely gave me a great opportunity to learn about myself. As I crossed the finish line I was in tears of disappointment and frustration. I was so mad and embarrassed and felt like a complete failure. Random strangers kept congratulating me and instead of thanking them I gave them evil glares and just hobbled past them. I didn’t feel like I had done anything worth congratulations. I failed to train for the marathon and barely completed it. I even contemplated giving up. I was a failure, not a hero and these people were idiots for not seeing that.

Fast forward 5 minutes and I immediately regretted my behavior. So many people around me were just completing their first marathon, and they were full of pride and joy. Everyone’s story is different, but everyone who crossed that finish line accomplished something remarkable and deserved all the praise and congratulations that were being given. I couldn’t belief how selfish and contrary I was being. Acting like my finishing time was a failure was insulting to all the people around me who were so happy and proud of what they had just accomplished. My prior embarrassment about my finishing time quickly dissipated and instead turned to shame at my behavior. 

Although I’m not proud of my finishing time, or my demeanor at the finish line, I am satisfied that I did at least finish the marathon. I know there are many people who are much more accomplished than me, and personally this wasn’t my best performance, but I am proud that despite my dreadful thoughts, I did end up pushing through and completing the marathon. While on the Appalachian Trail, I know I will be pushed to my limits, just like I was during this marathon. I am confident that despite my mind working against me, I will be able to push through the challenges and complete the daily trials I will face.

Here is a glimpse into my thoughts during yesterday’s Kentucky Derby Festival Marathon in Louisville. 

Start: Yay! I love running, so this is going to be awesome! I ran my first marathon in January and felt great afterward. Yeah I’ve been sick, and haven’t run at all in over a week, and only a handful of times in the past month, but I’ve got this. Look at all these amazing people all around me. I’m so happy I get to be part of this. 

Mile 6: Running is so awesome. I wish Roxy was here to do this with me. I’m going to do a marathon in every city I want to visit. What a great way to get a quick tour of all the major landmarks in one city. Nothing beats running. 

Mile 8: Wow Churchill Downs is magnificent! Look at all the pretty horses. I’m so glad I get to do this. Running is the best. 

Mile 10: About 1.5 hours in, the pace car and race leaders are sprinting down the road in the opposite direction at about mile 17. Whoa! People are amazing. Someday I’m going to be able to run like that.

Mile 12: Why are they doing this to us? It is pouring down rain, and we must be climbing the steepest hill in Louisville. Hills aren’t meant to be run up. This is cruel.

Mile 14: Where are the port-a-potties?! 

Mile 18: Stop complaining legs. You can do this. You’ve done it before and you’re going to do it again. Think about how strong you are. There are 70-year-olds running this race. If they can do it, so can you. 

Mile 20: Why do the half-marathoners get to do straight to the finish? I don’t want to turn right and run another 6 miles. Wait, what?! That’s a 10k. 10ks are easy, why is this so hard? Why am I failing? I should be able to do this. Why are my legs not agreeing? This is embarrassing. Everyone can see what a failure I am. (cue epic tears)

Mile 21: I’m not going to finish. I have to finish. I’m not going to make it. 

Mile 22: What have I gotten myself into? Is my whole life a failure? Why is this so hard? 

Mile 23: Everyone is passing me. I’m going to be last. How am I going to explain this to my family and friends. Failure. I’m going to get picked up by the slack car. Only a 5k left. 5ks are easy. I win 5ks. What is wrong with me? I’m not going to finish. 

My official Kentucky Derby Festival Marathon results.

Mile 24: I’m just going to sit down on the street. (cue more tears) Why is this happening to me? 2 miles to go. 2 miles should take less than 20 minutes. What is happening to my legs? Why can’t I do this? Ugh, why is the medic coming to me? There’s nothing wrong with me! 

Mile 25: Ok that last mile took about 18 minutes. One more mile to go. I can’t walk across the finish line. I know I can run a mile, but why aren’t my legs working? Everyone is going to be standing there watching me fail. 

End: I am a failure. I wish these people weren’t watching me. I am a complete embarrassment. Why did I think I could run? No I don’t want my picture taken. “Congratulations!” Are you kidding me? I haven’t accomplished anything. Don’t be nice to me, I didn’t do anything remarkable. 

5 minutes after finishing: Wow, I can’t believe how selfish I am. All these people are so kind and supportive and I’m being spiteful because I failed myself. None of these people did anything but be nice and I should be thanking them for everything they do. Look at all these other people who are finishing with pride and dignity. I’m a dreadful human being for detracting from their experience. I need to reevaluate my attitude and outlook on life. I’m going to be a better person.