Perspective

Warning: This one is about feelings (gross), I'd recommend not reading it. 

I’ve touched on my motivations for hiking the Appalachian Trail before, and this morning I received a message from a current AT hiker that really made me think more about why I’m heading out there. One of the statements he made that really got me thinking was: 

“Sobo is more about self discovery, enjoying your time in nature, and simply existing… while I have been on the trail I have never heard or seen a solo female sobo. Most females look for that support group so what you are doing is very unique in my opinion.” 

This is something that I hadn’t really consciously thought about, but is definitely part of my motivation: I am going out there to prove something to myself and to the world. 

Not something that I like talking about, but it is needed for context, so here is the one and only time I’ll bring it up: I just went through a divorce. I hate talking/writing about it, because I don’t want his departure to be the one thing that defines me as a person. As in “oh Monica, the hiker who is out here because her husband left her.” 

I like to think of last July as a great turning point in my life. I was basically left with a choice: I could be the victim or I could reinvent myself. For the 6 years we were together, I spent all my time trying to make someone else happy, and in return I was constantly hearing “I’m so sorry, I made a mistake, I’ll never do it again.”  Looking back on the number lies, excuses, and apologies I heard and accepted is slightly nauseating, but I have no one to blame but myself. I let myself be the victim by constantly forgiving him and putting his happiness before my own. 

When he let me know he was leaving, I was halfway to the White Mountains. I had a choice of turning around and going back to more of the same nonsense I had dealt with for 6 years, or moving forward in the direction I was already going. I finally made the right choice. In the week I spent hiking in the White Mountains, I felt an intense clarity. Each day the only choice I had was to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. There was no time for tears, regrets, or thoughts of what I could have done differently. Every morning the sun was going to rise, in the evening it was going to set, and I was surrounded by beauty and peace. The only thing to do was live in the moment. 

For 6 years, I was always looked at as the victim. To my friends and family I was just the pathetic little girl who put up with everything and was always in need of saving. Looking back on the moment when I first learned he was leaving, I think everyone expected me to be completely crushed and destroyed. I know that is not who I am, and I’m ready to set the record straight. There has never been a doubt in my mind that I can thru-hike the Appalachian Trail solo. Although I obviously love and appreciate all the people who support me, I don’t need saving. I can do this, alone, and because I want to.  This is the life I want to lead and the person I want to be. I am not the sad pathetic women whose husband left her, I am the fierce chick who spends her days climbing mountains.